Here is the 25th question the Angels have answered in our promotion for July.
I don’t know what to do about my spouse. We have been together almost 20 years
and my partner is more often than not, not in his power. This has manifested in, other than his career, if I don’t initiate, we never have intimate relations.
After much hope, hopes dashed, wear and tear this has deteriorated my emotional connection to him to a very small thread. We are not formally separated but I am in my home town with our children under the auspices of helping my elderly father and we have bought a house here vs. expensive renting so we do plan to stay a while.
I know I am not ready to make any decisions i.e. sell our house where he currently resides, him finding a new job here etc. we are several hours by plane between towns.
I am deeply overwhelmed with the thought of more change as we have uncharacteristically moved several times in 5 years for the sake of adventure and his work.
My teenager is really missing her father at present and I feel ready to cave to this sadness in her demeanour and we know he could easily get employment here, yet I am not ready to live with him yet, if ever. I know it sounds messy, but I know you know life can get complicated.
I would never regret having my children, but it goes back to our wedding
night when he did not initiate, nor seem interested in intimacy. I did not understand this and we have been on a path to rectify this for many years. As I am now post-menopausal and my body has changed our relations together have almost stopped.
His mother was sexually abused as a child and on and on and on and I am certain he is not gay. I have been on a spiritual path for many years and created well in many areas of my life but for this, I truly do not know what to do any longer.
I do love him as a friend; will always, but we are spouses, not brother and sister.
I appreciate any help you can relay.
The Angels reply:
Dear one – thank you for this question, it is more common than you think. Your pain and confusion are plain to see in your email.
Firstly, we must begin with ourselves. All of your focus is on your disappointment and resentment about his failings and his inability to satisfy you on many levels. While we understand these feelings and how easy it is to make him and them the problem it is time for you to take responsibility for what you are feeling.
You are only prolonging the situation of uncertainty by focusing on other things more important to deal with than how you feel (we mean your father and daughter here).
It is an interesting rule of the universe that when we focus on what we are lacking we tend to get less and less of it in our lives. You are spending time seeing where your husband lacks. How can he be more fully the man he is when he is aware of his constant lack in your eyes? You have shrunk him to incompetence and he has become your creation. In a sense you are loving him in a reduced way – not in a full one.
If you wish to maintain the relationship you will need to do the following every day until you see change. These points made here are to be applied to both of you. Start by acknowledging you and then him in a journal. In time you will be able to do this towards him directly and openly and with a loving heart.
- acknowledge all that is good in you and him
- do this on a daily basis
- release your resentment of the past
- relase your resentment, anger and disappointment in you and him
- practice forgiveness of you and him
- discover where you feel reduced and unloved
- allow him to love you the way he can without judgement and in gratitude
- be grateful for all he provides in your life
- see him through new eyes of love and care rather than judgement and disrespect
If you think there is nothing you can salvage in your relationship than do the above exercise for yourself and think on this:-
All this time you have been learning that love can be expressed in many different ways over the years of your marriage and also that for you – you still need to experience intimate lovemaking that is concentual and passionate. This is perfectly natural to want this more – especially as you do not have it your life.
It is like an open sore for you that will not heal. In your eyes you have done everything you can to reach your husband and find this passionate man within him. He has not shown this and it is time for you to take responsibility for what you need. If you are wanting more but cannot find it within your marriage you will need to search outside. We know that this pushes every button of fear within you because you do not want to be responsible for breaking up the marriage and appearing to be the one who is the selfish one. But can you not see that by creating distance between you with the current situation you are already creating the opportunity for this break in your marriage to happen?
You need to be honest with yourself first.
What do you really want?
You are afraid to name it and stand by it. This is your opportunity to do so.
We might add here that you are teaching your daughter to be dishonest with her feelings, because you are showing her this through your actions – so please do not stay in the marriage for your daughter’s sake. Children are very quick to understand when they are being used as the sacrificial lambs in a relationship.
We want to affirm – Yes if you make the choice for your needs above the others in this situation there will be fall out – but we might remind you that fall out is already happening by holding on and pretending.
We are seeing a lot of confusion in relationships and we wish to clarify this by saying, let go of what you think the roles of man and woman are, let go of what you think a loving relationship is about – these set ideas and beliefs are blocking Earth Angels from experiencing the fullness of love. Accept that you may be in a relationship that is not like others – and this is so – it is your relationship not someone elses!
The most important thing that Earth Angels have come here to learn and experience is LOVE. In all its permutations and expressions. If the love you are experiencing brings both partners equal joy then it is a beautiful thing to see, keep and treasure. Sometimes that love is for a long time and others it is only for a moment. All love will be known for the time it is meant to be. Each moment of love is a chance for the receivers (i.e. all parties) to be transformed into greater understanding of themselves and the power of love.
We hope that we have let you understand that we are not here to judge you – it is Earth Angels that judge themselves, not us. We want only what is in your soul’s best interest allowing you to choose love above all else and offer our thoughts with total love and respect for you on your journey. Blessings beloved.
Bless-sings from the Angels